


i don't know why but i feel conned

by certifiedclown



Series: i'm the bad guy (i'll morph to someone else) [3]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Abused Connor, Bad Parent Amanda (Detroit: Become Human), Betrayal, Connor (Detroit: Become Human) Whump, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Deviant Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Good Parent Hank Anderson, Hank Anderson & Connor Friendship, Hank Anderson & Connor Parent-Child Relationship, Hank Anderson Swears, Manipulation, Parent Amanda (Detroit: Become Human), Physical Abuse, Poor Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Pre-Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-03-07 14:40:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18875248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certifiedclown/pseuds/certifiedclown
Summary: If there was one thing in this world Connor loved, it was Amanda.





	i don't know why but i feel conned

Connor's first memory is of Amanda smiling at him; it is one of the only good ones he has.

 

* * *

 

His first mission is simple: save the hostage at all costs. He still manages to screw it up. He succeeds and saves the hostage while subduing the deviant in the process; however, he dies and that is unacceptable in Amanda's eyes.

 

She punishes him for it, like she always has,  but he revels at the twisted show of affection. She only does it because she loves him. She _loves_ him.

 

(Sheloveshimsheloveshimsheloveshim.)

 

> **_"This is all for your own good, Connor. Don't forget that I'm the only one who cares for you."_ **

 

Sometimes, despite the physical proof of Amanda's affection, it's hard to keep going forward. It's hard to keep the breath in his lungs and thirium in his veins. Sometimes, when he's alone in his storage unit, he stares at the white gleam of his chassis and wonders what it'd be like to split the titanium and stain the world around him in blue, blue, blue.

 

> _**"Hold on just a little while longer."** _

 

He still remembers the sting of Amanda's hand on his cheek. 

 

(He wishes he were human so her love would be bruised onto his skin. Then he'd have evidence of her on his skin and he'd be able to touch and caress the bruises. He'd be able to press his fingertips into the bruise to make them permanent and he'd be able to see blood underneath his fingernails and he'd be able to taste it on his tongue.)

 

The abuse doesn't last long - he's a fast learner - and soon she is subjecting him to soft words and gentle touches. He loves these moments the most. He holds onto the kind words and smiles with a jealousy and possessiveness he hadn't known he was capable of as if he would die without the memory of her.

 

(He knew he wouldn't die without her. Oh no, he'd die with her hands around his neck and her clippers deep in his lungs, killing the roses blooming underneath his chassis and splitting him open in the soft, sunlight. He'd spill out and she'd stain her clothes with him. She'd be blue, blue, blue.)

 

The moments when she is kind truly are few and far between and he cherishes them, keeping them close to the bluebird in his heart. 

 

(Oh, how it flutters. It wants out, but he's too clever for it so it stays in its gilded cage. And it sings. It sings so loudly that he's afraid Amanda will hear it and then she'll know. But she never hears it, so he lets it keep its voice. And it sings. And he listens.)

 

He makes sure to be Amanda's perfect monster, loyal and obedient and deadly. And, in return, she gifts him soft hands on his cheeks and kind words that rotted in his ears.

 

He hates her, but she loves him.

 

(Sheloveshimsheloveshimsheloveshimsheloveshimsheloveshim -

 

\- but it isn't really loving.)

 

But then she leaves him alone to his thoughts and he despairs. How can she leave him? (He's useless.) How can she just walk away? (He's a disappointment to her.) She loves him, didn't she? (No, she does not.) Didn't she? (No, no, no.) She had promised and you can't break those, right? (You can.)

 

He misses her.

 

(Hehatesherhehatesherhehatesherhehatesherhehatesherhatesher -

 

\- but he still loves her.)

 

And then the deviancy cases start piling up and she returns to him with soft touches and sweet words full of hidden poison, hands reaching up to straighten his tie before she sends him to his death.

 

* * *

 

Hank Anderson is a strange human, in Connors humble opinion, but he decides that it isn't a bad thing. The alcoholic keeps things interesting enough and, at times, he is gentle in a way eerily similar to Amanda.

 

He wonders if Hank will hit him, too.

 

(And, at that thought, the blue bird in his heart shrieks as if it's dying and Connor panics. He doesn't know if he can handle much more. Already he's caving in and the blue bird is only getting louder and louder and he's not clever enough to prevent the inevitable.)

 

Together they solve the case they took on and it is  _fun._ But Amanda won't leave him be and he hates that he loves the attention.For the first time in his life, Connor is having fun and he can't even marvel at the enjoyable feeling without being interrupted.

 

(Amanda ruins everything when it involves Connor. And Connor and his blue bird sing quietly, not quite dead yet, and they want to weep, but they don't. Sometimes, they wonder if Amanda weeps in their place.)

 

He can't even fault her for it; in fact, he pities her. Everything she does is predetermined, decided before she can even contemplate the decision herself, shackled by her coding, a mindless slave to Cyberlife.

 

He loves her.

 

> **_"I love you."_ **
> 
>  
> 
> **_"Oh, Connor, I really wish you hadn't said that."_ **

 

He wonders if Amanda knows of his growing attachment to the Lieutenant and if she knows of his growing software instability.

 

(Hank only hits him once, but that is truly deserved. And after he looks at Connor in shock and Connor realizes it is because he is crying and he desperately tries to stop but now that he's started he can't stop. And the deviant watches in wide-eyed surprise that turns into pity and Connor opens his mouth to defend himself but all that comes out is a plea for Amanda and the people looking at him soften. Hank pales and lets the deviant go before he turns back to Connor. Then he is pulling Connor into a hug that feels warm and nice and safe and Connor is content. Then they go to Hank's house and he makes Connor change into comfy clothes and makes Connor honeyed milk and practically swaddles the android in blankets before selecting a movie to watch. He picks Wall-E and Connor falls in love and Hank smiles. He never hits Connor again, but he yells a lot and there are times when Connor thinks he will be struck and he flinches. But when he does, Hank softens around the edges and his voice lowers to a whisper and he folds Connor into his arms easily, rocking them back and forth as Connor shivers. And the blue bird sings.)

 

He knows she does. She always knows. She loves him, after all. You pay attention to the things you love.

 

So, Connor begins paying attention to the Lieutenant. He observes the man's desk and his body language when exposed to certain stimuli. He pays attention to the man's eyes and micro-expressions. He even snoops in the man's house when he's getting ready for the case at the Eden Club. What he finds was unsurprising, but it brought a great deal of sadness and, disturbingly enough, jealousy to Connor's synthetic heart.

 

(For a moment, he yearns to be Cole Anderson and not Connor Model 313 248 317 - 52. Even it meant dying after only six years, he'd trade places in a heartbeat. Six years of love - the right kind - and safety vs. A couple of months of toxicity and poison. The decision was easy, but it was not his to make. And the blue bird sings.)

 

He ignores the rivaling emotions to the best of his ability and plays the loyal hound for Amanda. But, behind Hanks closed doors, he takes to wearing his heart on his sleeve and the man he decides to give Amanda's place praises him for it.

 

And then they leave for Eden Club and Connor can already taste failure on his tongue. Even if he knows it is pointless, he still tries, but he cannot help it.

 

He hesitates. And Amanda  _sees_ it.

 

So he rushes to correct his mistake and he kills them both with two quick shots, but the damage is done and he can't fix it now. So he waits. And when she calls him, he goes with resignation dug deep in his bones.

 

At first, she is kind to him, as she always is, but at the first mention of Hank it breaks and she snaps. And she hits him once more - so hard that his head snaps to the side - and he swallows the sob in his throat and blinks the tears away because he has long since learned not to cry. And she smiles and she forgives, but she does not forgive.

 

But then Hank takes them to the bridge and he questions Connor. And Connor cannot answer honestly because she is always watching, so he says nothing. But that is not what Hank wants, so he pulls his gun on Connor. And Connor is afraid. And suddenly he wishes Hank was more violent so the man would just hit him instead, but Hank is not Amanda. So Connor gives him one honest answer.

 

> **" _Tell me, Connor, are you afraid to_** _**die?"** _
> 
> _**".....yes...."** _

 

And Hank accepts the admission with grace and takes them home. He makes Connor change into an old pair of pajamas while he does the same and piles them up on the couch once again. And then he lets Connor pick a movie to watch and doesn't laugh when its Wall-E - a movie they've already watched before. Instead, he smiles and pulls Connor close and pats his back as Connor shivers.

 

(And it's at times like these when the blue bird fights the hardest and maybe Connor lets him out sometimes. But only when Hank is asleep and can't hear him sing. And he tells the blue bird that he knows he's there and he hears him sing, so he's not alone. But he always puts him back and he's still singing because Connor can't kill him. And they sleep, but the blue bird still sings.)

 

Then the deviants speak - Markus speaks on a live worldwide broadcast - and Connor wishes he couldn't hear them. But he can and he despairs. And then Amanda gives him his new mission and he joins Hank at Stratford Tower. And it is there that he meets Daniel - Simon - again and experiences death once more.

 

(The resignation Simon feels at that moment feels so familiar that it shakes Connor. And he shivers violently in the cold air and lets Hank hold him in front of the other officers. Lets them see him twist the fabric of Hanks jack in his fingers and cry on Hank's shoulder. But they say nothing and Hank smiles at them tightly and Connor wipes his eyes and hopes in vain that Amanda hasn't seen. By she has and she frowns. And the blue bird sings.)

 

And then Hank takes them to Kamski and Connor is desperate. He yearns to know why Amanda is on the wall, why Kamski left Cyberlife, why Chloe had looked at him with such soft eyes. And he asks Kamski these question is a soft voice, but the man does not answer. He only looks at Connor with cold, familiar eyes and Connor feels as if he's been struck.

 

(And suddenly he feels frantic and lost, like he's being pulled apart at the seems, taken over by a quiet hysteria that forces him to face his many, many crimes. And he closes his eyes to escape it, but that just brings blue, blue eyes to the surface of his mind and drown him in the blue, blue, blue of their blood to the point that he's breathing it. But it is not easy breaths that he takes for he is still drowning. No, it's great, shuddering, heaving breathes that exhaust him and make him shiver and ache, but he cannot stop. And, all the while, the blue bird sings.)

 

So he reports to Amanda, still tense and overwhelmed from his fight with Hank and himself and he forgets his place. He does not ask for answers, he demands them. And Amanda's voice turns sharp and stabbing so he stops. He hunches forward, arms wrapped around his middle, and he stops. And she softens. She asks him if he's having doubts, if he's feeling for the deviants or Hank, and he says yes.

 

And then she embraces him and he clings to her like a child and shudders. Tears gather on his eyelashes, but they do not fall. He does not let them. Instead, he sobs dryly into Amanda's clothes and lets her comfort him. And she whispers sweet lies in his ears and he doesn't believe her, but it'll do. So he calms down and he leaves her embrace to go to Hank's.

 

Then Amanda changes. She calls him to her Garden of poison and threatens him with a sweet smile and deceptively kind words. So Connor does the only thing he can, he obeys. 

 

(He'd always known this day would come. That she'd eventually hear the blue bird singing and smell the roses blooming. But he'd always thought she'd crack him open and rip the flowers out by their stems and clip the blue bird's wings before snapping its fragile neck. He'd always thought she'd destroy him in the Garden and use him as fertilizer, but she doesn't. Instead, she sends him to do it himself and he cries. But the blue bird still sings.)

 

He leaves Hank in his despair tainted home that had just begun to lighten and walks his path to hell. His salvation is in the clouds and rain, but Connor has never in the sky and he's never tasted rain before. He wants to now, but the time for rain has long passed and, with it, so too has his change as redemption.

 

So he soldiers on in the stolen clothes that still smell like Hank and Sumo. He soldiers on to Jericho, the home to every android under the sun - except for him, never him - and he is lost.

 

> **_"You're lost. You're looking for something. You're looking for yourself."_ **

 

But he does not find himself because he already knows what he is. He has always known. He is a monster made for breaking, tearing, and killing. And he does what he does best.

 

He does find Markus - pretty, pretty Markus - and he is breathless. Markus is a God - so otherworldly that Connor forgets himself for a moment, but he remembers - but he is false like everything in Connor's life.

 

(Amanda was false because she does not love him. Hank and Sumo were false because he could not have them. Markus was false because he could not save him. The blue bird was false because it sang the same sad song. And Connor was false because he could not kill the blue bird. And still, it sings.)

 

So Connor raises his gun and ignores the almost taste of freedom on his lips. Markus opens his mouth one last time and Connor opens his eyes to put a bullet in it. The deviant leader crumples to the ground and Connor finally weeps.

 

(And Amanda is proud - so so proud - and he hates the rush of joy he feels at that. Hates that he needs her and loves her. But he can't stop it and he can't help it. And as he stares at the blood pooling around Markus, he wonders what the RK200 looks like on the inside. Does he have a blue bird in his heart and a rose bush in his lungs? For a moment, Connor's finger itch to find out and his teeth ache, but he doesn't act on it. Instead, he leaves with the taste of metal on his tongue and starlight on his lips. And the blue bird sings.)

 

He returns to Hank's house after that and changes into his - brand, prison, shackle - uniform. Hank smiles at him weakly from the couch, but Connor does not return it. He can still feel a gun in his hands and a confession in his throat. So, instead, he walks out on Hank once more, but this time he doesn't come back.

 

The deviant uprising does not end with Markus and Connor is very tired of the color blue underneath his fingernails. He wonders what red would like, taste like, smell like, but he resists temptation and continues killing his people as Amanda demanded. And then he reaches North - the new leader of Jericho - and he is sad. Because he does not want to end her like he did with Markus. But he has never had a choice. So he puts a bullet between her eyes and does not think of cracking her open to see if she has a blue bird and a rose bush hidden away inside her chest.

 

(No, instead he thinks of Hank and Sump and he weeps once more. Because he could have had a life with them if he hasn't squandered it. He could've been happy if Amanda had pulled out her thorns and let him heal. But she didn't. Instead, she pushes them in deeper and she smiles because to her this was love. And to Connor it was death. But the blue bird sings.)

 

He visits Hank one last time, on the eve of his return to Cyberlife, but Hank does not welcome him. No, Hank does not even yell at him. Hank simply stares, gun in hand, at the picture of the child Connor wishes he was. And Connor weeps, but Hank does not hear. So Connor leaves and feels as if the gunshot that echoes throughout the night had hit him instead of Hank. But Sumo screams and he knows it did not miss and he weeps.

 

(And the blue bird sings.)

 

But he still leaves Hank again. He returns to Cyberlife like the mutt he is and allows himself to be shoved away into a storage unit. And he waits and waits and waits until finally Amanda calls for him. And, of course, he answers.

 

And she is happy to see him, but she does not reward him. Yes, she feeds him praise and love, but there is poison in it and he chokes on it. And she just smiles as she shows him his doom - the RK900: faster, stronger, better - and he'd never known her to be this cruel.

 

But she still loves him. 

 

He can see it in her eyes. In the distance she puts between her and the RK900. In the way she regards the replacement. She does not want nor trust it, but she does Connor. And he warms, but he still weeps and, in this moment, as she sends him away for the last time, he thinks, Amanda finally does too.

 

(And the blue bird sings one last time.)

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to [it took me by surprise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610411).
> 
> So, tell me, how do you feel? Do you feel anger? Hatred, perhaps? Or are you sad? By all means, let me know in the comments.
> 
> (Seriously, let me know your thoughts! Comments are, as always, greatly appreciated!)
> 
> If you want to chat, my Tumblr is [iwishihadbrain](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/iwishihadbrain).
> 
> Hey, you should totally check out this server I made: [spicy hot takes!](https://discord.gg/UBpDYdQ) It's a server dedicated to your takes on shows, characters, books, etc. Those theories you have bottled up can be aired out there! And I'm there (assuming you like me) so there's that!


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